Finding You Read online

  After a sleepless night, I arrive at the office late. It’s Thursday. I don’t see my assistant. Her laptop is still closed. I look at her colleague who immediately blushes.

  “Harrison?” I ask.

  “The CEO called her. She has been in there for over an hour.”

  I wonder what Vic has to discuss with her. I put my briefcase down and go directly to his office without taking off my coat

  “Hello Vic. Did you see my assistant?”

  “Yes. She is in Calligaris’s office. They left a while ago.”

  “Calligaris? Is there a problem?” I ask.

  “No. Claudio noticed that Valentina took notes during the meeting, so he just wanted some clarifications.”

  “Sure!” I reply. Vic raises his eyebrows and stares at me. I continue. “If Calligaris needs her, that’s fine, but in the future he should record the meeting! We are late with our work and can’t waste time”

  “Something is wrong with you—” Vic says.

  Why? What did I say wrong?

  “However they should have finished by now. Why don’t you go to his office to get your assistant back?” He adds.

  Good idea. I knock on his door and without waiting for a reply, I enter. Perhaps I am looking for confirmation of my theory that they are having an affair.

  Calligaris is sitting at his desk and Valentina is in front of him with some papers in her hands.

  “Good morning, Spencer. May I help you?” He says with a strange grin on his face.

  “Actually, yes. I need Valentina.” Addressing her, I ask: “Where did you put those proposals you mentioned on Monday? I can’t find them anywhere.” She doesn’t understand what I’m talking about. Of course, I invented everything! But before she is able to reply, I add, “If you are finished here, we could look for a copy of that file in your computer.”

  She looks at Calligaris who smiles at her benevolently: “You can go, Tina. Thank you for your precious help.” Tina? Since when?

  “Just call me, if you need more information.” She says, gathering her notes. She stands and follows me.

  Nodding I mumble: “Let’s go.” I keep the door open and follow her toward the elevators. Neither of us say a word. When we arrive at her desk she opens her laptop.

  “We don’t need it.” I say and she looks at me without understanding. Actually I don’t understand either. I am full of rage because I saw her with Calligaris. I don’t know how to make her understand that she works for me, not for that smartass! I am furious and I am trying to restrain myself. I open the door to my office, but after she is in I slam it. She stops, astonished by the loud noise.

  Pointing my finger I confront her: “Let’s straighten this thing out. You work for me, not for that asshole. Is that clear?”

  For a second I read fear in her eyes, but she quickly regains control.

  “I already told you not to point fingers at me! La Blanche called me. You weren’t there. What should I have done in your opinion?”

  “You should have called me on my cell phone to inform me.” She can’t believe this. Neither can I, nor do I know where I am heading…

  “Are you joking?” Her question angers me even more.

  I don’t know what is going on with me. I always knew what to say, always knew what I wanted. What is driving me crazy is that, it is not her. She is only the victim of my confusion. I am full of anger which I want to control, but can’t. Like before during the meeting; like with my father over the phone; like now. I move towards her and she doesn’t turn her eyes away. When I advance, she moves backwards until she meets the wall. She keeps staring at me. I am so close to her. I can feel her warm breath and her delicate scent.

  “Do you think I am joking?” I whisper. Thank god I have a moment of clarity, so I lower my arms and step back. I am such an asshole.

  “You must stop this unbearable behaviour!” She is shaking. “I am only your assistant. I can’t know what is going through your mind.” After these words she runs furiously out of my office.

  I could stop her to try to explain. But I can’t explain something that I don’t understand. So I stay still, staring at the door and feel a great sense of emptiness.

  Chapter 17

  Valentina

  I am only your assistant. Since he couldn’t find the words, I say it. What was he thinking? Does he think I am a clairvoyant, who can read his thoughts? I understand he doesn’t like Calligaris, but this time he has really excelled himself. Claudio is right to call him Narcissus. Does he believe he is the only one in the world? Pompous ass and inconsistent too! Oh boy!

  It’s almost lunch time and no trace of James since yesterday.

  “Hi Tina, how are you?” Claudio’s voice makes me look up from my computer.

  “Hi Claudio. If you are looking for James, he is not—”

  He interrupts me. “I am not here for him. I am here for you. Are you free for lunch?”

  I’m surprised. “Umm…Yes.” Congratulations, Valentina. Very talkative!

  “Great! I will take you out for lunch. Spencer will not break our balls for a while.” In which sense? I don’t understand. Emma didn’t tell me anything.

  “Tina, did you hear me?”

  “Yes, sorry. I would like to come. We don’t have much work at the moment. We are waiting for Redenge’s response. Let’s hope for some luck!”

  “Yes… Although your boss doesn’t need luck. He always lands on his feet.”

  I don’t like his tone. I confess, everything concerning James makes me feel nervous and very vulnerable.

  We go to a very nice small restaurant not far from the agency. Claudio is always very kind to me. He seems a sweet person. I have confirmation of this when we talk about that first meeting, almost an interrogation, about Susan Mars stealing money from our agency.

  “You were really scared. One could read it on your face.”

  “Sure! To be called in by the CEO and find myself in front of all of you was terrifying. It would scare anyone.”

  “Now that we are alone, tell me the truth. Didn’t you really suspect anything?”

  I shake my head, while taking another piece of meat with my fork.

  “I swear, I didn’t know anything. Actually, I was very surprised and disappointed. I thought Susan liked her job very much and didn’t think she had problems with money either.”

  “We should have checked her office before Spencer arrived… Perhaps we could have found something to help us understand.”

  “I personally checked and cleaned her office and, apart from some unimportant stuff, there wasn’t anything relevant.”

  “Unimportant stuff? Like what?”

  “Facial lotions, sanitary towels—” I carefully avoid mentioning the condoms. “An ocean of old phone chargers, office supplies and some old contracts that I carefully checked. So, nothing important.”

  “Hard disks, USB drivers, DVDs?”

  “I thought women were curious! Anyway no, nothing. By the way, I kept one of her expensive creams!”

  “You really don’t know how to lie.” He smiles.

  There is a long moment of silence. He seems absorbed in his thoughts. I try to find a way to resume our conversation and I ask:

  “What do you think of James? It doesn’t seem that you like him very much.”

  He looks at me with a curious expression. “What makes you think that?”

  “I noticed there is always some tension between the two of you. But I’m sorry… It’s not my business.”

  “No. Don’t worry. I think you too have the same kind of problem with him.” I look up and observe him. Now he is smiling. “I also noticed something going on between the two of you, but I am not sure how to describe it.” Now his smile is becoming a sort of smirk. I don’t like where this conversation is going.

  “You are very observant.” When I lie my body usually betrays me, but I am able to say half-truths. For sure I don’t want to inform Calligaris about what happened between me and my boss.<
br />
  “Let’s say that if I were more like the girls at reception, we would be more in sync.”

  “Yes, he would have taken you to bed and then dropped you, when he didn’t need you any more.”

  I feel uncomfortable now. It’s better to stop this conversation.

  “Exactly.” I say.

  When I return to the office I ask Emma if she knows anything about James. He didn’t leave her a message either. We are both orphans of our boss.

  His office desk is in perfect order. There are no notes of any kind. No voice mails, texts or emails for me. Vanished. He doesn’t value me even on a professional level. I sigh. While I am leaving his office, something behind the door catches my attention. There is his scarf hanging from a hook and beside it a small coloured envelope stuck to the door. Inside there is a card for ten paid espressos at Caffe` Villa and a post-it: “I left with Vic for Germany. I will see you in two weeks. J.” Instinctively I bring the post-it to my lips. Why did he leave it in such a hidden place? And if I didn’t find it? I smile and go back to work.

  *

  Friday has gone. When I enter my apartment, I look around and feel a sense of sadness: my home is very unwelcoming. Perhaps I could improve it with some colourful pillows, new frames and a different rug. I call Marta.

  “Hi Tina.”

  “Hi. Listen, is Simon at the hospital all day tomorrow?”

  “Yes, why? Do you need the car?”

  “No. How about if I pick you up and we go to Ikea? I would like to do some shopping. If you are free, then I could take you to lunch.” I can see my sister puzzled, her mouth open.

  I am proud of myself. I had a good idea and this will keep me from thinking too much.

  *

  Marta and I had fun selecting new accessories for my apartment. She insisted on colours like apple green or ochre, but I chose turquoise. We put everything in the car and had lunch at the Ikea restaurant. Next to us is a couple with a small child and Marta is watching the baby with dreamy eyes.

  “You will be a wonderful mother.” Her expression suddenly becomes sad.

  “Don’t pretend you don’t know, Tina. Simon confessed that he told you everything.” My brother-in-law is almost worse than me about lying.

  “Why didn’t you tell me? I am your sister, your family. That will never change.” She gives me a big, sweet smile and I continue: “You didn’t do such a bad job raising me, big sister. Half of the credit goes to mom and dad, but the other half goes to you.”

  “Sometimes I feel I was too strict and bossy with you.” She laughs. “Perhaps, if I were more open, you wouldn’t have wasted so much of your time with that idiot, Carlo, and today you would be married with lots of children. At least I would have little nephews and nieces to enjoy!”

  “The best scenario is that I would be married to that jerk!” She is laughing like a teenager. “By the way, my love life is a disaster, Marta. I kissed my boss.”

  She almost chokes on her orange juice!

  “No! Tell me everything—” I knew she would fall into my trap.

  “I will tell you everything, if you update me about your doctor’s visit and medical tests. I want all the details.” I know my sister, she is very curious and will open up just to know more about that kiss.

  We remain at that table talking for hours. It has been a long time since we communicated this way. I didn’t realize how much I missed Marta. I am so happy and relaxed.

  *

  It’s Monday morning. Going to work I feel at peace with myself. I walk slowly and look around. It’s not late, perhaps I will stop at Caffe` Villa to have one of those ten espressos. I take the card and turn it over to re-read his post-it. Peaceful, relaxed? Are you fooling yourself? Nonsense! I miss him. Just the thought of not seeing him for two weeks: I wonder how I will exist for so long without him? But another side of me screams: wonderful! Today no angst, no expectations and no surprises with his crazy moods and reactions!

  As soon as I get to the office Emma greets me enthusiastically: “Hi Tina! I discovered where our boss went. I asked one of the girls in Human Resources. He is in Germany with the CEO. It seems that some problems have arisen with Burassi and You&U. They will be there for two weeks! Isn’t that fantastic news?”

  “Great news. We will have some peace.” I reply in an unconvinced tone.

  She is not listening to me any more. She is already chatting to someone on the phone.

  I turn on the computer and almost immediately hear the sound of new mail coming in. I look at the sender, James Spencer. I open it shaking a little. Everything concerning him makes me feel vulnerable.

  From: [email protected]

  Sent: January 21, 2013 8:08 AM

  To: [email protected]

  Subject: Burassi Contract

  Hi Tina,

  Can you please forward me Burassi’s Contract?

  Thanks. J.

  At least I have heard from him. Answering, I am undecided whether or not to thank him for the ten espressos. Eventually without thinking I write:

  From: [email protected]

  Sent: January 21, 2013 8:45 AM

  To: [email protected]

  Subject: Re: Burassi Contract

  Hi James,

  See the contract, attached.

  Enjoy Germany! Tina

  P.S. Thank you for the espressos.

  After a few minutes I receive another email.

  From: [email protected]

  Sent: January 21, 2013 8:50 AM

  To: [email protected]

  Subject: Re: Re: Burassi Contract

  You are welcome.

  It’s freezing here!

  Have a good day,

  J.

  If I answer him, will he think I am a stalker? I don’t care. If he doesn’t like it, I won’t be there to experience one of his tantrums… And if he sends me an angry email, I can always delete it.

  From: [email protected]

  Sent: January 21, 2013 9:07 AM

  To: [email protected]

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Burassi Contract

  You left your scarf at the office!

  Tina

  From: [email protected]

  Sent: January 21, 2013 9:11 AM

  To: [email protected]

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Burassi Contract

  I realized it as soon as I got off the plane.

  I have a terrible sore throat!

  J.

  Every time I receive an email from him, I feel excited. It is useless to lie to myself. I am lost. I am in love.

  From: [email protected]

  Sent: January 21, 2013 9:19 AM

  To: [email protected]

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Burassi Contract

  If you were to travel properly dressed, you would attract less attention, but you wouldn’t catch a sore throat!

  Find the time to buy a scarf and to stop at a pharmacy.

  Tina

  From: [email protected]

  Sent: January 21, 2013 9:27 AM

  To: [email protected]

  Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Burassi Contract

  ☺

  Don’t worry, as soon as I get out of here, I will rush to buy something to drug myself!

  J.

  The smiling face? I can’t believe it. He seems like another person. I really don’t want to seem like a nuisance, it’s better not to answer right away. I continue working, although I check my email a little too often. Sometime I re-read his messages. The more I read them, the more friendly they sound.

  I spent most of the day waiting for some news from him. So silly! He is there for business and certainly doesn’t have the time, nor the desire, to write every five minutes like a teenager. It’s time to go home.

  *

  As soon as I get on the train, like every Friday, I always have to fight to find a seat. Usually I look at those
who play with their cell phones instead of reading a book with a sense of superiority. This time I can’t resist and check my cell phone. I insert my password and I’ve got mail. Please God, I hope it’s from him!

  From: [email protected]

  Sent: January 21, 2013 6:48 PM

  To: [email protected]

  Subject: Mission accomplished

  Pharmacy, done. Scarf, done.

  I am sorry to inform you that in spite of some fever and a scarf around my neck, German

  ladies still seem to appreciate me. Is this my Italian charm?

  I think you are probably at home. So I wish you good night… or good morning, depending on when you read

  this email.

  J.

  My smile goes from ear to ear. He wrote to me! And this has nothing to do with work. I don’t care why he did. I enjoy this little bit of attention, like the espressos. I write back to him immediately. I know my response sounds cold, but I can’t say what I really feel.

  From: [email protected]

  Sent: January 21, 2013 7:01 PM

  To: [email protected]

  Subject: Re: Mission accomplished

  Hi,

  Did you find time to shop? I bet it took a while to find a scarf you really liked!

  Happy to hear you feel better.

  Goodnight, James.

  Tina

  I look dreamily out of my window. Knowing that he is away on business and finds the time to write to me gives me those chills that I feel only when I think of him. I am madly in love and afraid that when he returns, I won’t be able to hide my feelings. I keep thinking of the many rational reasons to deny them. But what I feel deep inside me convinces me of the contrary.

  All week we exchanged emails. Nothing very personal, but it was a way to feel close. Some messages even came on Saturday and Sunday which surprised me. But the best email arrives on Monday morning.