Finding You Read online

  “I will work on it immediately. I’m sorry.” I answer with a whisper. I don’t look up at him. I don’t want to see that gaze again.

  I go back to my computer with a lump in my throat. I certainly didn’t expect him to call me love, but I didn’t expect to be treated like this either. Emma is chatting with her mother on the phone. Today I can’t stand her, either. I only want to escape. I want to get back home, but I am trapped with this work to be completed within two hours.

  It’s too much! I jump up and leave. Where can I go? To the bathroom. All three stall doors are open. I rush into the first and begin to cry. I can’t bear it. How can one fall from the stars to earth in twenty-four hours? Tina, wake up! Why do you think he reacted in that way? He used you. You were handy and he needed a little distraction. What the hell were you thinking? Did you believe he was going to fall in love with you? You are so stupid. Naïve and stupid, nothing else. I look at myself in the mirror. You can’t have a man like him. In your life you can only aspire to another Carlo. Only one thing remains: your dignity. Wash your face and go back to work. If you have some self-respect, forget that man and what happened with him.

  I begin to type at the computer, more vigorously than necessary. I move data and write numbers. After one and a half hours the work is finished. James passed by my desk several times, but we didn’t exchange a word or a look.

  It’s lunch time. Before going out with Emma, I save the presentation in a file. I take the USB drive to his office, certain he is not there.

  Chapter 14

  James

  I enter my office whistling. I woke up early, went for a jog and I arrive early. I feel relaxed. I am happy, although yesterday all my certainties fell like a house of cards. I eased the tension with my father. We have had too many misunderstandings and arguments to cancel all of it at once, but we have resumed normal communication. If I had been alone in my car, I would have said really unpleasant things. I would have ended a relationship in crisis for so many years. But I wasn’t alone. She was there with me. Her presence was essential. With a simple gesture she was able to restrain my bad temper and avoid a war. And then that kiss! To me a kiss was always a concession to give to women to open their legs. My only objective was to fuck them. That kiss was different. I am still excited thinking of her fingers running through my hair. If only a week ago someone had told me I was going to find Harrison attractive, I would have burst into laughter.

  If a kiss knocked me out, I would be curious to see how it would feel to be inside her. God, do I really want this? I wonder what she wants. It is useless trying to understand. I will talk to her soon. Actually, it is strange, she is not here yet.

  I go to talk to the CEO and when I return to my office I find my daily espresso. I wonder if she put the right amount of sugar in this time. I smile. So it wasn’t just by chance yesterday! Today my espresso is perfect again. I go to see if she is back. Nothing. I don’t see her friend either, maybe they are together in the break room. In fact she is there. But she is not with her friend, she is with that asshole, Calligaris! He has his hand on her arm and now he’s caressing her back. He smiles and she smiles back at him. I remember now all the bullshit she tried to tell me about that arrogant lawyer. ‘I don’t know him well.’ ‘They say he is very competent.’ ‘Several times he saved the agency from trouble.’ She is everything but a good girl! She is like all the other women, bitches. I always avoided women who eye different men at the same time. She seemed so different. Shit! She fucked me over. What pisses me off is that I revealed too much of myself. I lowered my guard and she used it. From today on I will be very careful with her.

  When I think how I let myself go with her, I feel angry and betrayed. She has been clever to take advantage of my being so defenceless at that moment. I see that fucking espresso cup on my desk and putting it back on the tray, I break it! I am too upset. I must get out. I take a short walk and the fresh air makes me feel better. I am calmer. When I return to the office and I see her, she is very nervous. She can’t look in my eyes. This is the proof I was looking for. She is embarrassed. She is hiding something. I assume it is her affair with the lawyer. ok, my little Tina, you won the first round. But, unfortunately for you, I am your boss, not Calligaris.

  Chapter 15

  Valentina

  Carlo Ortelli. He is the point of comparison for all my relationships. Before Carlo I had a few relationships, but nothing serious. I was with him for two years. I thought it was love. But when we were together, I always thought that, if that feeling was love, then it was nothing special. The relationship ended officially one year ago, but in reality it never started. Since high school we were in the same group of friends. When our friends began to get engaged or married, we started to see each other without our crowd of friends. After dating for a while, we decided to re-enter the group as a couple. Remembering that period of dating, I see it more as a quarantine than a romance. Now I know it wasn’t love, but at that time I thought it was. For this reason I stayed with him so long. Carlo was a very normal guy: slight build, brown hair, dark eyes and a beautiful smile. In all, he had an eternally youthful face. He was the kind of guy a mother would like for her daughter, because of his gentle and tranquil nature. And that was just it: he was too mild. Thinking of him today, he was boring even when we made love. Always on the same day, Saturday, because the next day one doesn’t have to work. Always at the same time, after a film, and always in the same position, he on top of me. Reaching an orgasm with him was like climbing Mount Everest! A titanic task.

  He worked for an important bank in Milan and never missed a chance to criticize me for my lack of ambition. One Friday he told me he had to work late at the office. That evening Emma’s mother invited me for dinner. I had in mind a romantic plan. I would surprise him by going to pick him up at his office with some delicious take-out dinner. He would be happy to see me after some boring business meeting and we could return home together to make love. So that evening I showed up at his office building and I explained to the security guard that I wanted to see my fiancé, Mr Ortelli. I had to insist a little but eventually he allowed me in. I knew where his office was. It was scary walking along those dark corridors. Then I saw light through his half closed door. I opened it and the first thing I thought was: “But today is not Saturday!” Yes, that asshole was there having sex with a colleague. I turned and left. Did I cry? Did I feel deeply upset? In a state of shock? Not at all! It is incredible but I felt a sense of relief and I could breathe again. I felt released from a burden.

  Now I am feeling a completely different kind of burden. Ten days ago I was living every day without excitement, but peacefully. How did I get into this situation?

  Today is the important meeting with Redenge. I arrive at the office early to organize all the presentation folders on the conference table. I wear the same suit I wore the first time I met James. It didn’t bring me good luck that time. Perhaps it was a mistake to wear it today, but now it’s too late. When James enters, I understand from his mean glance that he remembers that suit too. He frowns and is in a very bad mood.

  “Good morning.” I say continuing my work.

  “Good morning.” He answers in a low, cold voice.

  The room is too warm, but I feel a chill running through my body. James checks the connection between his notebook and the video projector. While he is concentrating, I observe him: dark grey suit, white shirt and light blue tie. He is perfect, as always. He suddenly looks up and he catches my glance. I look down immediately, but I see his angered expression and it hurts me.

  When the Redenge people arrive, I can’t help but notice a woman with big red hair in their group. With a resolute stride she approaches Calligaris. From the way they greet one another, I think they have met before. She is tall, slender with big breasts. When she walks, I observe her self-confidence in her eight inch heels and skirt with a deep slit up the side. James joins them and Calligaris introduces her to him. He is very polite as always, in spite
of the hostile expression on Spencer’s face.

  While talking to James she touches her hair… and now? What is she doing? I can’t believe it! She is fixing James’s tie. I don’t think this is the way to behave with a man you have just met! At least not in my opinion… But he doesn’t seem uncomfortable. Actually he is smiling at her. This morning he couldn’t even say hello to me and now he smiles at a perfect stranger. I am so stupid! I shouldn’t care. He is free to act any way he wants. And why am I surprised? This beautiful, self-confident woman is exactly James Spencer’s type.

  “Are you ok, Valentina?” Claudio Calligaris’s warm voice behind me makes me turn.

  “Yes. Thank you, MrCalligaris.” I find myself staring at his tie. Maybe he wouldn’t allow a perfect unknown to touch his tie.

  “I thought we agreed to be informal—”

  “You are right, Claudio! I just need to get used to it.” I answer.

  “Much better. Please, take a seat.” He says moving my chair.

  I sit and then I look around to see where James is. I become scared when he suddenly appears on my right. God! I am between them.

  The whole staff of Redenge sits in front of us. I can’t understand how people can go through this kind of meeting every day. One can feel the tension in the air. It has not even started and I am already stressed.

  La Blanche speaks first introducing everyone and presenting our proposal. I learn that the redhead is our client’s lawyer. Her name is Chiara Mantovani. The CEO introduces James Spencer as our executive account manager. I thought he was simply an account manager! Listening to James’s name the red lioness raises her eyebrows. James is leaning back in his chair staring at her. I catch it! My boss is observing his next prey. I look away. I am nauseated.

  The CEO introduces me as Mr Spencer’s personal assistant and Calligaris as our company’s lawyer.

  James stands up, thanks Victor for the introduction and goes to the computer to start his presentation.

  Hands in pockets, he begins to explain the advertising campaign we are proposing. His voice has a warm, calm tone. He seems to enchant them. He moves with confidence. He smiles and often makes a joke and everybody laughs. He appears comfortable, even when he talks about costs, estimates and expenses. I look around at the clients’ faces: someone is nodding, others seem hypnotized and their beautiful lawyer’s eyes are glistening. I don’t believe she listens to a single word. I am sure she is only wondering how to get him into bed! I feel disgusted and I can’t wait for this to end.

  My boss returns to his seat and from his intense look I understand we have come to the most difficult part of the meeting. The owner of Redenge begins to speak about the thorniest issue: Susan Mars.

  Victor calmly and honestly answers each question and eventually he is able to redirect the discussion in the direction of the project. The redhead keeps staring at James with adoring eyes. I don’t want to see how he is reacting, so I keep taking notes, head down. The owner’s son now takes the floor. I didn’t notice him before. He’s very tall, pale, with an aquiline nose. Not very elegant.

  “Mr Spencer, wonderful presentation! But let me ask: why should we save your ass?”

  Wow! I can’t believe this. James’s body tightens hearing these words.

  “Mr Restelli,” His voice is still calm, but it isn’t warm and vibrant like before. On the contrary it is metallic. “We are here to find a solution which satisfies both companies.”

  “You didn’t answer my question!” Restelli replies vehemently, calling attention to himself. Even La Blanche seems astonished and doesn’t say anything. I understand things are getting worse when I see my boss wringing his pen as if he wanted to break it.

  Restelli now has a smirk on his face as he continues: “I am disappointed, Mr Spencer. Your reputation is over-estimated.” This guy wants to die. Nobody speaks. I turn, looking at James. He clenches his jaw. Bad sign.

  “If you believe that—” James growls. I follow my instincts and put my hand on his knee, under the table. God help me… I close my eyes, waiting for a disaster. He sighs.

  “…you can have the same conditions from another agency, please feel free. But only we can offer you this kind of security.” With the pen that he almost broke a moment ago, he points at the numbers on the screen.

  Restelli Jr is ready to reply but his father speaks first. “Well, we need to discuss your proposal among ourselves. We will let you know our answer by Monday.”

  La Blanche is speaking, but I stop listening to anyone. What was I thinking? I quickly try to withdraw my hand from his knee, but a vigorous palm clasps it. I look around but nobody seems to notice anything. James is staring at the CEO who is defining some last details. I feel his tightened muscles through the thin fabric of his pants. Suddenly a wave of heat runs through my body. I feel my neck, cheeks and ears burning. A pang twists in my stomach. He is caressing my hand. I feel that warm wave descending, it pulsates between my legs. My breath pauses.

  I am not his type of woman. It wouldn’t work between us. I repeat these words of wisdom to myself, like a mantra. It’s a struggle between head and heart. I decide I don’t want to give up these powerful emotions. I prefer to risk the suffering. That will be later. Now I turn to look at him, while my pressure on his hand becomes stronger. He closes his eyes for a second and firmly moves my hand up, toward his crotch.

  “Valentina, sorry, did you take notes about the request from their marketing director?” Claudio! The meeting with Redenge! Lord! I was lost… I abruptly withdraw my hand and try to concentrate.

  “Yes. Wait—” Agitated I look among my notes. “Do you mean his last point?”

  “Correct. His request about the distribution.”

  “Here it is. He said they will have other systems of distribution in addition to their franchise stores.”

  While Claudio takes note of what I am saying, I look for James. He’s disappeared.

  I say goodbye to everyone and quickly leave the conference room. I see James near the elevators talking animatedly with La Blanche. I don’t hear what they are saying and I don’t care. While heading to the stairs I hear someone calling me.

  “Valentina, wait!” It’s Claudio. “Would you like to have lunch with me?” Is he really talking to me? “Come on! You can update me on your notes. I missed some passages on the animated argument between Spencer and Restelli—” He smiles.

  “Ok. Thank you. I am a little hungry.” Actually I’m not hungry at all. My stomach is so tight. But I don’t want to be in the office waiting for James.

  We sit in a simple restaurant near the agency where I often go with Emma. Claudio is pleasant company. During our conversation at lunch I understand that the antipathy James feels for him is mutual. He called my boss Narcissus! I almost choked drinking water when he said that. We had a good time.

  Now I am afraid to return to the office. My fear has a name: James. It is impossible to predict his next move and impossible to understand his sudden changes of mood. His door is closed. Emma is chatting on the phone; it’s a clear signal James is not there yet. I turn on the computer and begin to put down some ideas for Burassi. I need to keep my mind busy. I want to avoid thinking.

  After about an hour I hear a loud woman’s laugh. I look at Emma interrogatively, but she shrugs. I look toward the break room, but I can’t see what is going on in there. Five minutes later the laughing woman materializes. She is the redheaded lawyer, Chiara Mantovani. She is squeezing James’s arm and he is smiling. Yes, with his adorable dimples. God! I concentrate on typing vigorously.

  “Harrison, today I am leaving early. I don’t want to be disturbed for any reason. Is this clear?”

  “Ok. If someone wants you, I will tell them to call tomorrow.” I say looking down.

  He enters his office for a few seconds and then leaves with the lawyer clinging to him.

  After he has disappeared, I remain still, almost paralyzed, for a long minute. A deep breath and I resume working.

  Cha
pter 16

  James

  How long did I sleep? Maybe a couple of hours. Isn’t there a clock in this fucking apartment? Here is it: 10 p.m. I try to get out of bed, but her arm is round my waist. I move it abruptly. She wakes up too.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I’m going home.” I answer, while searching for my clothes scattered on the floor.

  “If my client accepts your proposal, we’ll see each other often.” She says, trying to slip her hand into my underpants. I stop her.

  “Maybe. Now I must go.”

  “Are you leaving this way?” She asks bitterly. “Without even a kiss?” Now she is moaning.

  “I am not the kissing type. I will see you soon.” I want her to stop, but I can’t be rude. If Redenge accepts our agreement, I will see her more than I want.

  I close the door behind me. It is cold out, but I feel I can finally breathe. I was suffocating in that apartment. She clung to me the entire time. Five minutes after we met, I knew she wanted to sleep with me.

  I get in my car and turn on the engine. I thought having sex with the redhead would have relieved me of all the day’s stress, but I feel worse now than before. I am not even sure how I feel. I am angry with that dickhead, Restelli. He really tried to get to me. And I would like to smash Calligaris’s face. Why? Today he didn’t try to dismiss any of my proposals. On the contrary. At some point during the meeting he even helped me. But… But he kept flirting with my assistant. That was it: my assistant.

  Today I was on the verge of exploding and again she calmed me down with a simple touch. How does she do it? Even if she has a relationship with Claudio, she allowed me to grab her hand. If that idiot hadn’t interrupted, I would have shown her how excited I was at that moment. This thought thrills me. I took the red lioness to bed instead of Harrison. It wasn’t too bad, but I’m convinced that with Valentina it would be different. She is not my type, but when I think of how I feel when she brushes by me, I can’t imagine what it would be like to make love to her! Better try to sleep now. Hopefully I will think more clearly tomorrow.