Finding You Page 12

  My fingers now are inside her. She trembles. Her breath pauses. She wants me. At that moment of ecstasy I realize I don’t have a condom with me. I freeze and like an adolescent at his first time, I whisper, “I don’t have anything with me.” She silences me with a kiss and moves above me. It’s torture feeling her warm body moving. Then her lips come back to me as she puts a tiny packet in my hand. I want her like this, on top of me. I hold her hips and lead her slowly to enjoy every second. I’ve never been careful about these details, but with her every movement is amplified. I slide inside her and a shiver of delight runs throughout my body. She is the one moving. Slowly, deeply, sweetly. Every single move is like a wave of electricity. I am lost within her. I feel all my defences falling and a deep pleasure I never experienced before overwhelms me. The intensity is almost frightening. Her body pulsates, moving faster and faster. I understand she is feeling the same.

  Panting, I keep her close to me. She relaxes and abandons herself in my arms. I feel her fast breath on my neck. I caress her back and kiss her hair. Jasmine. She searches my hand, clasps my fingers and moves my hand up to her heart. She wants me to feel how it’s racing. I kiss her forehead. We stay like this for I don’t know how long. I’m not in a hurry. Not tonight.

  Chapter 23

  Valentina

  And now? And then? And New York? No! I must stop this. After last night I can’t spoil my life with these stupid, obsessive questions. I never experienced anything even close to this before. I am determined: whatever will be the future, I don’t want to give up the fantastic memory of what I had.

  I relax and close my eyes. I feel his hand touching my waist and pulling me toward him. I force myself to keep my eyes closed. He moves my hair and caresses it. He kisses my neck, his warm breath tickles. I open my eyes.

  “Good morning.” He whispers.

  Slowly I turn to him. God, he’s beautiful, to die for, almost painful. I brush his perfect face with my hand. He closes his eyes and that silvery grey disappears for a second. He looks at me and suddenly, without warning, kisses me. My hand moves down to his neck. His knee slips between my legs and opens them slightly. He comes closer. While he’s moving his tongue around my lips, I can feel his excitement growing. At the thought he wants to make love again, I caress his chest and bring my fingers down to his erection. His breath quickens. He moves away for a moment, only to look at me in a way nobody has before. I softly tell him where to find the condoms.

  He keeps kissing me, slowly down my neck to my breasts. He gently bites my nipples. I can’t keep my hands still. I move them frantically over his chest and back. He pauses and then slides inside me. Slowly. Too slowly. Instinctively I close my eyes. He stops. I look at him. He smiles and resumes. He pauses again when I close my eyes. He’s driving me crazy with delight. I think I understand. He wants me to look at him while he’s moving inside me. He slides out, only to re-enter. I keep my eyes open. Every movement is languid, slow, never too strong, as he enters me more deeply. At every thrust my excitement grows to a frenzy and watching him amplifies my sensations. When I see his eyes suddenly close and his body contract, I let myself go. We climax together.

  “Good morning.” I say.

  “Good morning. I feel it will be a fantastic day.” He whispers.

  He gives me a light kiss on my lips and when he moves away I feel a wave of cold. He gets out of the bed and goes to the bathroom.

  I am staring at the coffee pot, lost in my thoughts, when I feel his arms around my waist.

  “What are you thinking about?” I don’t know. About him, last night, the sweet awakening.

  “I didn’t give you my greetings for Saint Valentine, your name day. Sorry.”

  I switch off the burner under the coffee pot and turn. But I can’t look in his eyes.

  “Don’t worry. Usually I don’t celebrate it.” I say while pouring the coffee into the cups.

  “What do you mean with usually? So did you celebrate it this year?”

  “More or less.” I finally decide to look at him and I notice his suspicious eyes.

  “I will become an aunt. My sister and I went out to dinner to celebrate. My brother-in-law was on duty at the hospital.”

  “And Calligaris?” His question surprises me.

  “I found a white rose on my desk with his business card. I was afraid he has returned early. By the way, how did everything go in Germany?”

  He’s leaning on the kitchen counter top. He is wearing shirt and pants, but is bare foot. He’s staring at the coffee cup.

  “How do you do it? How can you transform something banal like pouring a coffee into an important gesture?” I don’t understand what he is trying to tell me.

  He steps toward me and kisses me. “Don’t worry. One day I will explain it to you. I will go home now to change and will come back later to pick you up.”

  I check the time. It’s already seven thirty, my train leaves in twenty minutes.

  “I need to be at the office at nine, there is that continuing education course. It’s better I catch the train.”

  “I forgot about that. It’s funny because I enrolled you on it. You are right. I will see you at the office, but on the way back home: no excuses.” I don’t want to make excuses!

  He gathers his stuff and before leaving he holds my waist and squeezes me. He lifts me up as if I was a feather and instinctively I wrap my legs around him. The goodbye is becoming dangerously passionate.

  “Baby, be careful. If you act like this, I will tear off your clothes and make love to you here on the kitchen table.” Did he say to make love? Tina, calm down, no expectations. He probably said that just to say something… His hand slips under my sweatpants and his eyes light up, “Do you ever wear panties?”

  “Rarely.” I smile. “Only with a skirt—” I can’t finish my sentence, he’s kissing me again. He smells of coffee. When he decides to put me down, my legs are shaking.

  “It’s better I leave. I will make you late. See you at the office.”

  *

  In fact I arrive at work out of breath. I rush directly to the class. Four hours later I leave realizing I didn’t hear one single word. I thought of him the entire time.

  After a quick lunch, I come back to my computer and find an email from James. There are all the details about my transfer to New York. Leaving on the twenty-third of March. A nine hour flight. Nine hours alone. I already feel a sense of panic. Nine hours! I squint my eyes with clenched fists.

  “Tina, what’s going on?” I hear a faraway voice. My eyes are still closed and I hear a disturbing ring in my ears. Someone is squeezing my wrists. It’s James trying to force my fists to open. I look at my hands. My nails left red marks on my palms. As soon as I am able to focus on him, my panic begins to vanish. My breath becomes normal and my heartbeat slows down.

  “I am ok.” I whisper.

  “Come to my office.” His look is serious. “Jesus Christ! Can you tell me what happened a moment ago? The truth.” He emphasizes the word truth. “I’m waiting.”

  “There is nothing to say. I was in a state of anxiety. I’m sorry.”

  “You don’t need to be sorry.” His voice is warm again. “I want to know the reason.” He touches my palms where the red marks are disappearing.

  “What’s happened was not a real panic attack. I became very nervous at the thought of such a long trip. For many years I avoided public transportation. I only used the car. I cured myself with therapy and medication. I’ve overcome most of my fears, but to get on a plane, alone, it’s another story!”

  “I saw what happened when you were with me and we were in the car, not on a plane—”

  “The reason for my panic attacks is fear of losing control. And, if I don’t trust the person beside me, the situation worsens. That time you were angry and I didn’t know you very well.”

  “Is this the reason when I proposed you join me in New York I saw a frightened face? Because of the plane?” I nod. I look down at my hands and f
eel stupid.

  “So, I wasn’t the reason for your hesitation.”

  “Of course not! On the contrary, I was devastated at the thought of not seeing you again.” I move toward him and caress his face.

  “I will postpone the date of my leaving.”

  “No, James. Your father needs you now. We will leave everything the way it is. I will take my medication. I always do, when I travel to go to see my parents. Just send someone to pick me up at the airport, since I will be a little groggy. Just that.”

  “Are you joking? I will come to pick you up. Of course I won’t send a stranger.”

  I smile at his authoritative tone and say: “We have already wasted a lot of time. Let’s get back to work.”

  “You are right, but tonight you come home with me. Another thing. It’s better not to say to anybody what is—” He stops a moment. “…between us. You know the tension between Calligaris and me. I wouldn’t want him to use this to give me a final blow.”

  *

  I spent most of the afternoon forcing myself to work. Yet I can’t stop thinking of the meaning of his words, what is between us. So, is there something between us? Even if he doesn’t know what to call it? He doesn’t know how to define it. From my part I know perfectly what it is.

  James was out all afternoon and Emma just left. I anticipated telling her the news that I was leaving for New York. She didn’t seem upset or especially enthusiastic about it. I would say, kind of indifferent. It is true that without our executive account manager, she would be transferred anyway to another office within the agency. Emma loves change, so it will be a good opportunity for her too. At that point I receive a call from James.

  “I am almost done here. We will leave in ten minutes. Is that ok?” He has a weird voice.

  “I will wait for you.”

  Twenty minutes later I am ready with my coat. Cursing he rushes into the office. His face doesn’t promise anything good.

  “Vic announced the news that I’m leaving to all the account managers, assigning them our clients. Calligaris started to say that this is very unprofessional and accused the CEO of nepotism. He said that I have a contract with the agency and by leaving I breach our agreement.” His voice sounds like a roaring lion. “So there is a risk that all the agreements I negotiated with Redenge, You&U and Burassi fall through.”

  “What? Didn’t La Blanche say anything?”

  “Vic tried to explain that we had a limited term contract and that I simply completed my tasks early. Calligaris is the biggest asshole I ever met. Let’s go home.”

  In two minutes we are out of the office.

  Chapter 24

  James

  I feel relaxed now in spite my argument with Calligaris. I asked Tina if she wanted to have dinner out, but she insisted we eat at home. While she is preparing pasta, I set the table. I feel good thanks to this sensation of normality and warmth. No cocktails at Fire, no screwing in hotel rooms, no telephone numbers to be thrown away the next day, no hangover, none of that. Only a simple conversation after dinner with a woman who I crave to have another night of passion with. Is it just that simple, James? Good sex with a person that you like even out of bed. Yes, it’s like this. I close my eyes for a moment.

  I feel something brushing gently against my face. I open my eyes. It’s her hand. I fell asleep on the sofa! I lift myself up, stretching. She is in front of me. When I look at her she extends her hand and leads me to the bedroom.

  She stands on her toes to kiss me. That kiss is like a door to another world. A world I thought I knew perfectly well. My certainties fade away again. Tonight I discover there are other paths, other ways to be loved. No games. Every kiss, every touch, is charged with eroticism and passion. I never thought one could feel so excited by a touch. I had to meet her to understand there is much more to discover.

  *

  Next morning I wake up with the same peaceful feeling as yesterday. I feel her presence beside me, without opening my eyes. In a few days in New York I will discover if this sense of peace is because of her. Only two months ago I couldn’t wait to leave Italy, now I am sorry I’m departing. But I want to concentrate on the present. Our naked bodies, one beside the other. I extend my hand to touch her.

  She protests. “James, stop it! You are tickling me.”

  Why don’t I feel the familiar urgency to flee? The desire to leave her apartment? I think it’s because I’m leaving in a few days anyway. Sure, this must be the reason.

  Her face appears behind my shoulder. She kisses me saying, “Good morning, Spencer.”

  “Good morning. Sorry if I woke you up. You can sleep a little longer, this morning you will ride with me to the office.”

  “Don’t you have to stop by your apartment?”

  “No, I brought everything I need.”

  “In that case, we have time.” She smiles at me.

  *

  The day flew by without any disasters. Calligaris wasn’t around. I spoke to Matthew on the phone. It’s Friday. Tomorrow morning FedEx will pick up my stuff and I need to be present, but I told Tina to be available after that. We will spend the whole weekend together. I won’t see her for almost a month. Will I miss her? I will know soon enough.

  Chapter 25

  Valentina

  Today he leaves. Everything will change. He goes back to his past life and when I join him in New York everything will be different. This week has been wonderful. He was wonderful. Thoughtful, sweet, sensitive and a fantastic lover. I’m trying to hold on to memories: scents, sensations and words. I am certain it will never be like this again.

  I drive him to the airport. I wear my best mask and try to appear serene. My legs are shaking. I sit waiting while he checks in. I observe him from a distance. He is perfect. I am not the only one observing him. The hostess at the check in is looking and smiling at him. I hate to see him leaving. I feel a lump in my throat. I am afraid to cry. I can’t say goodbye to him weeping like a little girl. I take a deep breath and text Marta.

  I am at the airport. He’s leaving. It’s hard to let him go.

  Her answer comes quickly.

  I know. Don’t cry in front of him. As soon as he leaves, come here. Today work can go to fucking hell!

  I cry and laugh at the same time. Marta never uses such strong expressions!

  “What is so funny to laugh yourself to tears, Harrison?” Thank you, little sister. Without knowing it, you gave me a good excuse…

  “Nothing. Since she’s pregnant, Marta seems a little crazy and makes me laugh. She has always been so polite and restrained in her language and now she talks like a longshoreman!”

  I caress his face. He looks at me and kisses my lips. “Behave, Harrison. I will see you in less than four weeks.” He touches my cheek saying, “Tina, let’s say goodbye here.”

  I nod with a forced smile. I look at him moving toward the International Departures gate. I remain seated. He doesn’t turn. I wait until I see him vanish.

  Chapter 26

  James

  I am landing at JFK. I am in my city. It’s already dark and I notice traces of snow everywhere outside. While waiting for my luggage, I check my iPhone. There are no messages. Well, if it’s five here, it’s only eleven in Milan. I will send her a text.

  Just landed. Everything looks the same here. Good night baby and sweet dreams.

  I find Matthew O’Sullivan at the exit waiting for me. My right hand man. The only one I can trust. Irish father with Asian features, gift of his mother.

  “Hi, James! Such a face… Are you tired?” He jokes, patting my back.

  “I would like to see you after having sex with two hostesses during the flight!” Idiot joke. Why do I always feel compelled to say such things?

  “Really?” He looks at me with curiosity. I could keep going with this story, but I don’t.

  “I’m joking. But if you are interested, I have their telephone numbers. I hand him two business cards.

  “You are great! We could or
ganize tonight—”

  “You go ahead, if you want. I have an appointment tonight.”

  “With Eva?” He asks with wide open eyes.

  “With my father.” Now he’s really surprised. I add: “I think I already told you that there is nothing between Eva and me.” I look into his eyes: “And it seems you already took advantage of it.”

  He passes one hand through his hair. “Fuck, yes. Are you upset with me?”

  I shake my head. “Not at all. Actually, you did me a favour.”

  Matthew parks in front of my building. My apartment is on the Upper East Side, on the east side of Central Park. It’s another world from the apartment in Varese. My place here is bigger and furnished in a completely different style. A lot of stainless steel and wood furniture stained ebony. Sofas and chairs are charcoal grey. In my bedroom I find the bags I sent from Italy.

  I shave and after a quick shower, I go down to the parking garage at 7:00 p.m. Here are my babies! With all due respect to the others, I take the Maserati GranCabrio, my favourite one. At eight I arrive at my father’s home. As soon as Carmen opens the door, she screams with joy. She has been with us since my mother’s death. She has known me since I was a kid and I know everything about her, including the names of her three sons and eight grandchildren.

  “Welcome back!” My father greets me with an embarrassed smile. It has been a long time since I was here, even before leaving for Italy.

  “How was the trip, Jamie?” It’s a very strange feeling hearing him call me by my nickname again.

  “Very long, and I wasn’t able to sleep. I began to study the documents you sent me. Very interesting.”

  “We will have time to talk about business tomorrow. Tell me how old Vic is doing.” He pours some scotch in two glasses and hands one to me.